The room is almost dark, but it's nowhere near creepy

It's almost dead quiet, but it's not scary in the least

It could be raining outside, or maybe it's just a soothing wind

There's so much peace in this room, that I can't help but think how hard others have it

There's a warmth that permeates this entire space, as if all is well

Maybe it is

Maybe it isn't

But there's certainly peace in this room

Is that incense?

Clove?

Whatever it is, it's truly delicious

I feel like if I were to fall asleep, I'd miss out on what's around me

A sanctum sanctorum, but there's really no work to do

or at least there is no effort

It's that feeling of relief you get when you think you're going to be shipwrecked but you finally see the lighthouse

For fun, I put my ear up against the wall and pretend I can you hear you coming home

The house is dark, and since you don't see me, you call out to see if I'm here

After you say that none of the rooms have lights on, I respond that there will indeed be one

when you find where I am

You follow my voice

As soon as you walk in, the room harbors an incandescent glow

As we caress, you ask: "wait, where is the light coming from?" 

To tell the truth, I have no idea

but I only see it when we're together

and now everything is Complete

If it's a beacon, please 

please

Don't ever shut it off

If it's a night light

please, dear God

I beg of you

Don't ever pull it out! 

 1986

Alone in my room at Abuela's house

Listening to Metallica's 'No Remorse'

feeling that dopamine rush during the line: 'War Without End'

Fuck

I really wished you'd come through my window

and rescue me

from this pathetic, teenage angst

So much frustration

So much restlessness

So much longing 

for something I didn't even know could exist

but just had to be

It just had to

If it never existed, I would have created it

I wanted you to come through my door

and just hug me

so I could bury my face in your hair's fragrance

and just escape into that blissful oblivion

We could just walk the streets of Coral Gables 

hand in hand, amongst the rows of trees 

The dusk was never more painful 

than this feeling of lack 

I imagined us meeting at the rec center

in some sort of glorious, historic moment

The stickiness of an orange drink sealed my fate for all time

I blew it

Did you ever want something... so bad

that your insides started caving in? 

I felt something electric about that could have happened,

that should have happened, but never did

It was like being near the birth of a star

but never, ever getting to witness it

Imagine swimming in an ocean of bullets... but you don't even have a gun

Seeing everyone else around me attaining this wish, almost without effort

is a truly hideous thing

a truly hideous thing

truly hideous 

hideous

so fucking hideous

 No Adventures With You

That existential brick yeah

The biggest slab of them all

The fact that we never went on trips, went camping, saw the stars together, or swapped histories

It's a big fuckin' brick yeah

The truth that we never went through some shit so we can be on each other's side

constructing camaraderie

out of time 

out of support 

out of respect

that could have formed an equally giant slab of oxytocin

But that existential brick yeah

It's a big, motherfuckin' wedge that could slap Galactus in the face

Sometimes it undulates

Other times it warps, and cracks, but remains so fucking massive

Oppressive

Goddamn that fucker's big

It looms overhead, like a panopticon sky

watching

In Life, you either make the slab out of Precious Memories spent together

or the existential Slab of Dread just makes itself, with or without you

and moves...slowly....towards you....

It's coming for me, and a trillion Albert Camuses can't get me out of this! 

 Divine   

Your beauty is so cruel

merciless

Goddamn you

It just isn't fair

I am no match for your pure, crystalline, blue eyes

or your ever-divine, golden, coruscating hair

I first saw it as a crown... but now I know it is my own sword of Damocles 

Your hands

those astonishing, porcelain hands

Your lips were the sweetest of all blisses. 

Goddamn you

Yet your heart is the most mystical abode 

Imagine living in a home

you can't even see

I don't even know where the entrance is located

but there is no exit

Goddamn you

In the Quran, it states: "All it takes, when He wills something ˹to be˺, is simply to say to it: “Be” And it is" 

But even the Most Benevolent and Merciful One Himself can't make you be with me

El Olam is Eternal but even He won't outlast the curse you placed upon me, the Faceless One

I can feel the cells of my body leaving, in eventual obliteration

This disintegration...is it agony, or rapture? 

Does it even matter at this point?

Where did it all go?

How did it end?

Did it even end?

Did it even begin?

Goddamn you!!!!

INVINCIBLE

It is truly unstoppable

It is sublime, tremendous, majestic, yet impenetrable

No legion, either on Earth or in Heaven, can defy It

No physical force can distort It or cause It to ever deviate from Its path

It is truly majestic, effervescent, radiant.... beyond noble

No will or sentiment can bend Its intent and meaning

Never changing....everlasting

Undaunted 

It will never falter, tire, or retreat

It will never die, because it is alive forever and forever alive,

outlasting all of time, the universe, and Existence Itself

for it is super, superior, superb and Supreme 

It is the greatest of all things and of all times

But tragically, you have never seen It

I implore you to know that it truly is, always was, and always will be.... eternal, without end:

 My Undying Love for you

and only you!

 There's No One There

There is no Stanley

There's is no 'little brother' I can love and hold in my arms forever more

He never came and he never will

His absence somehow exists as an existential rapier that gets thrust into my throbbing chest

day in

and day out

Mother never gave me the missing piece that I really yearned to make me feel whole

I'll never see him born, or name him, like I always wanted to

I've never kiss his gorgeous face or rub his sacred head to express my undying love for him

My yearning for him was always there, but he wasn't

I'll never get to hold him, adore him, nor will I ever hear him say he loves me... like I would have loved him

until the end of time

An unbreakable bond

between me and a ghost.... that wasn't even a ghost

because he was never even there

To me, he died

without ever being born

There is no Michelle

When you held my hand in phonics class

I thought I ruled the world

which I would gladly give you, had you given me the chance

but my big mouth ruined it all

like it always does

I'm so sorry I said what I said

But I never forgot you

and the impact you made on me

or the way I compare everyone else

to you 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

What are you doing now? How did your life turn out? Did you marry? Are you happy?

Now you'll never, ever, get to know much I really loved you, if you even cared

So I'm the paying the price for cowardice

I'm living in the age of Consequence.... screaming

forever more

There is no 'She'

My bed is always empty

even when I'm in it

There's no one there to say 'goodnight' to

or possess eyes to look into 

and fall in love with, or to trust, or to to listen to, to console, or to adore and give praise

or to just lie next to...silent...just be content in the union, in of itself

I used to cry my younger self to sleep because someone was yelling at me

Now, it's only the yelling that's gone

It's hard to even make friends...when your own brain is your enemy

There's no button to push, to make it stop

or elixir to drink to make it go away

It never will 

Everywhere I go, it will always be there

until the day I die

There's nothing to cut away

There's nothing to scoop out, so that I can walk away, relieved. and join the Living

It's literally who I am 

and all that's I'll ever be

But there's no one coming to save me

or to rescue me... or to just put their arms around me

because

There's no one there 

One of Them


They're so young, beautiful and carefree
with their whole lives ahead of them
They really don't know how young and beautiful they are


Two girls and six boys
So pleasingly splendid they sit
together as a family of angels
Their smiles are the solution to all our problems


If I captured their light, I could radiate the world
Their oh so gorgeous heavenly laughter could heal all mankind
Their splendid innocence could actually save me, if I had access


Oh to be one of them... I'd give my legs
Their lives are laid out before them
I can see the success written on all their faces
It's like they know they're victorious
but are only going to through the motions


Their pedestal is so high
that they can't detect the putrid stench of my covetousness  
which follows me like a cloud and camoflagues me from any normality 
or sanity


can you save me???


Oh to be one of them
I'd give both my arms
I'd give my lungs for just one day
one hour
 just to be one of them