Divine   

Your beauty is so cruel

merciless

Goddamn you

It just isn't fair

I am no match for your pure, crystalline, blue eyes

or your ever-divine, golden, coruscating hair

I first saw it as a crown... but now I know it is my own sword of Damocles 

Your hands

those astonishing, porcelain hands

Your lips were the sweetest of all blisses. 

Goddamn you

Yet your heart is the most mystical abode 

Imagine living in a home

you can't even see

I don't even know where the entrance is located

but there is no exit

Goddamn you

In the Quran, it states: "All it takes, when He wills something ˹to be˺, is simply to say to it: “Be” And it is" 

But even the Most Benevolent and Merciful One Himself can't make you be with me

El Olam is Eternal but even He won't outlast the curse you placed upon me, the Faceless One

I can feel the cells of my body leaving, in eventual obliteration

This disintegration...is it agony, or rapture? 

Does it even matter at this point?

Where did it all go?

How did it end?

Did it even end?

Did it even begin?

Goddamn you!!!!

INVINCIBLE

It is truly unstoppable

It is sublime, tremendous, majestic, yet impenetrable

No legion, either on Earth or in Heaven, can defy It

No physical force can distort It or cause It to ever deviate from Its path

It is truly majestic, effervescent, radiant.... beyond noble

No will or sentiment can bend Its intent and meaning

Never changing....everlasting

Undaunted 

It will never falter, tire, or retreat

It will never die, because it is alive forever and forever alive,

outlasting all of time, the universe, and Existence Itself

for it is super, superior, superb and Supreme 

It is the greatest of all things and of all times

But tragically, you have never seen It

I implore you to know that it truly is, always was, and always will be.... eternal, without end:

 My Undying Love for you

and only you!

 There's No One There

There is no Stanley

There's is no 'little brother' I can love and hold in my arms forever more

He never came and he never will

His absence somehow exists as an existential rapier that gets thrust into my throbbing chest

day in

and day out

Mother never gave me the missing piece that I really yearned to make me feel whole

I'll never see him born, or name him, like I always wanted to

I've never kiss his gorgeous face or rub his sacred head to express my undying love for him

My yearning for him was always there, but he wasn't

I'll never get to hold him, adore him, nor will I ever hear him say he loves me... like I would have loved him

until the end of time

An unbreakable bond

between me and a ghost.... that wasn't even a ghost

because he was never even there

To me, he died

without ever being born

There is no Michelle

When you held my hand in phonics class

I thought I ruled the world

which I would gladly give you, had you given me the chance

but my big mouth ruined it all

like it always does

I'm so sorry I said what I said

But I never forgot you

and the impact you made on me

or the way I compare everyone else

to you 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

What are you doing now? How did your life turn out? Did you marry? Are you happy?

Now you'll never, ever, get to know much I really loved you, if you even cared

So I'm the paying the price for cowardice

I'm living in the age of Consequence.... screaming

forever more

There is no 'She'

My bed is always empty

even when I'm in it

There's no one there to say 'goodnight' to

or possess eyes to look into 

and fall in love with, or to trust, or to to listen to, to console, or to adore and give praise

or to just lie next to...silent...just be content in the union, in of itself

I used to cry my younger self to sleep because someone was yelling at me

Now, it's only the yelling that's gone

It's hard to even make friends...when your own brain is your enemy

There's no button to push, to make it stop

or elixir to drink to make it go away

It never will 

Everywhere I go, it will always be there

until the day I die

There's nothing to cut away

There's nothing to scoop out, so that I can walk away, relieved. and join the Living

It's literally who I am 

and all that's I'll ever be

But there's no one coming to save me

or to rescue me... or to just put their arms around me

because

There's no one there 

One of Them


They're so young, beautiful and carefree
with their whole lives ahead of them
They really don't know how young and beautiful they are


Two girls and six boys
So pleasingly splendid they sit
together as a family of angels
Their smiles are the solution to all our problems


If I captured their light, I could radiate the world
Their oh so gorgeous heavenly laughter could heal all mankind
Their splendid innocence could actually save me, if I had access


Oh to be one of them... I'd give my legs
Their lives are laid out before them
I can see the success written on all their faces
It's like they know they're victorious
but are only going to through the motions


Their pedestal is so high
that they can't detect the putrid stench of my covetousness  
which follows me like a cloud and camoflagues me from any normality 
or sanity


can you save me???


Oh to be one of them
I'd give both my arms
I'd give my lungs for just one day
one hour
 just to be one of them

 The War in My Head

On that fateful day, back in 1975

Your wretched presence entered my body...my mind

I was unarguably possessed by you

You took hold and my breathing became heavy

as I lay there, helpless, in a little four year-old body

How could you do such a thing?

What was that feeling in my chest?

"What is wrong with me? Am I sick?"

Her lips, hair, her skin... were now instruments of torture

A child that young shouldn't witness or feel such things.... these horrible things 

Her braided hair...her rugby shirt... they became weapons 

In a fantasy realm we kissed, and spun round and round...but this unfounded gyration

was just the first of the many torturous horrors that awaited me

There began the war in my head....but no one showed up

I remember her white, flowing gown, where she walked among our peers

and sat down beside them, confident and triumphant, as if on a stage

Her eyes, a glistening green...her hair... a dandelion

These too became the sharpest daggers

Again, the putrid occupation of my body commenced

The squalor that was my chest, heaved once again

god.... make it stop...I beg of you...please

But the inconsolable battles continued and raged on, mercilessly 

day, after day.... year after year

and rage on like a never-ending swarm of locusts

My only defense is the song, and my immovable reason

Thank god for you

Every day, the hideous, amorphous shape attacks

But my Reason is like the mighty Ajax, slicing through it

To it, I say: I hate you more than words could ever attempt to describe

Every atom in my body is programmed to attempt your utter annihilation

Every second of every day that you come at me, my Reason will be there, waiting

to attempt your absolute destruction

There is no doubt 

This is a fight to the death

You will remember me, and pay for what you did

I will undoubtedly leave a mark

whether it be a mere line on you

a puncture, wound, gash, or laceration

You will remember me and my mark, for all time....

Even if you are victorious