The room is almost dark, but it's nowhere near creepy

It's almost dead quiet, but it's not scary in the least

It could be raining outside, or maybe it's just a soothing wind

There's so much peace in this room, that I can't help but think how hard others have it

There's a warmth that permeates this entire space, as if all is well

Maybe it is

Maybe it isn't

But there's certainly peace in this room

Is that incense?

Clove?

Whatever it is, it's truly delicious

I feel like if I were to fall asleep, I'd miss out on what's around me

A sanctum sanctorum, but there's really no work to do

or at least there is no effort

It's that feeling of relief you get when you think you're going to be shipwrecked but you finally see the lighthouse

For fun, I put my ear up against the wall and pretend I can you hear you coming home

The house is dark, and since you don't see me, you call out to see if I'm here

After you say that none of the rooms have lights on, I respond that there will indeed be one

when you find where I am

You follow my voice

As soon as you walk in, the room harbors an incandescent glow

As we caress, you ask: "wait, where is the light coming from?" 

To tell the truth, I have no idea

but I only see it when we're together

and now everything is Complete

If it's a beacon, please 

please

Don't ever shut it off

If it's a night light

please, dear God

I beg of you

Don't ever pull it out! 

 1986

Alone in my room at Abuela's house

Listening to Metallica's 'No Remorse'

feeling that dopamine rush during the line: 'War Without End'

Fuck

I really wished you'd come through my window

and rescue me

from this pathetic, teenage angst

So much frustration

So much restlessness

So much longing 

for something I didn't even know could exist

but just had to be

It just had to

If it never existed, I would have created it

I wanted you to come through my door

and just hug me

so I could bury my face in your hair's fragrance

and just escape into that blissful oblivion

We could just walk the streets of Coral Gables 

hand in hand, amongst the rows of trees 

The dusk was never more painful 

than this feeling of lack 

I imagined us meeting at the rec center

in some sort of glorious, historic moment

The stickiness of an orange drink sealed my fate for all time

I blew it

Did you ever want something... so bad

that your insides started caving in? 

I felt something electric about that could have happened,

that should have happened, but never did

It was like being near the birth of a star

but never, ever getting to witness it

Imagine swimming in an ocean of bullets... but you don't even have a gun

Seeing everyone else around me attaining this wish, almost without effort

is a truly hideous thing

a truly hideous thing

truly hideous 

hideous

so fucking hideous

 No Adventures With You

That existential brick yeah

The biggest slab of them all

The fact that we never went on trips, went camping, saw the stars together, or swapped histories

It's a big fuckin' brick yeah

The truth that we never went through some shit so we can be on each other's side

constructing camaraderie

out of time 

out of support 

out of respect

that could have formed an equally giant slab of oxytocin

But that existential brick yeah

It's a big, motherfuckin' wedge that could slap Galactus in the face

Sometimes it undulates

Other times it warps, and cracks, but remains so fucking massive

Oppressive

Goddamn that fucker's big

It looms overhead, like a panopticon sky

watching

In Life, you either make the slab out of Precious Memories spent together

or the existential Slab of Dread just makes itself, with or without you

and moves...slowly....towards you....

It's coming for me, and a trillion Albert Camuses can't get me out of this!