There's No One There

There is no Stanley

There's is no 'little brother' I can love and hold in my arms forever more

He never came and he never will

His absence somehow exists as an existential rapier that gets thrust into my throbbing chest

day in

and day out

Mother never gave me the missing piece that I really yearned to make me feel whole

I'll never see him born, or name him, like I always wanted to

I've never kiss his gorgeous face or rub his sacred head to express my undying love for him

My yearning for him was always there, but he wasn't

I'll never get to hold him, adore him, nor will I ever hear him say he loves me... like I would have loved him

until the end of time

An unbreakable bond

between me and a ghost.... that wasn't even a ghost

because he was never even there

To me, he died

without ever being born

There is no Michelle

When you held my hand in phonics class

I thought I ruled the world

which I would gladly give you, had you given me the chance

but my big mouth ruined it all

like it always does

I'm so sorry I said what I said

But I never forgot you

and the impact you made on me

or the way I compare everyone else

to you 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you

What are you doing now? How did your life turn out? Did you marry? Are you happy?

Now you'll never, ever, get to know much I really loved you, if you even cared

So I'm the paying the price for cowardice

I'm living in the age of Consequence.... screaming

forever more

There is no 'She'

My bed is always empty

even when I'm in it

There's no one there to say 'goodnight' to

or possess eyes to look into 

and fall in love with, or to trust, or to to listen to, to console, or to adore and give praise

or to just lie next to...silent...just be content in the union, in of itself

I used to cry my younger self to sleep because someone was yelling at me

Now, it's only the yelling that's gone

It's hard to even make friends...when your own brain is your enemy

There's no button to push, to make it stop

or elixir to drink to make it go away

It never will 

Everywhere I go, it will always be there

until the day I die

There's nothing to cut away

There's nothing to scoop out, so that I can walk away, relieved. and join the Living

It's literally who I am 

and all that's I'll ever be

But there's no one coming to save me

or to rescue me... or to just put their arms around me

because

There's no one there